Posts Tagged ‘weight loss’

How Not To Lose Weight

June 19, 2010

Yes, I have written about weight loss before, blah blah blah.  But it bears repeating I guess, and to be fair I do have a new perpective now as I am actually trying to lose weight, instead of just pontificating about losing weight whilst sitting on my arse eating fish finger sandwiches.

I’ll start off by making my excuses for my own weight, which is currently 12.5 stone.  When a celebrity dares to reach this weight, they are said to have ‘ballooned’, so it is clearly a pretty sad state of affairs to be in.  I’m not the kind of overweight girl who immediately becomes derisive of slim, pretty women and overly defensive of my own right to be ‘curvy’; after all, I was curvy when I weighed 10st.  Curvy is not a weight, it is a shape.  12.5st on the other hand, is a weight, and medically speaking it’s 2st too much of it.

My excuse for this 2st is, I think, a reasonable one (i.e. it has nothing to do with an insatiable desire for pies).  In March last year I did some basic maths and realised that my luck in the lottery known as ‘barrier contraception’ was statistically bound to run out sooner or later.  What with my aim of being married and at least 25 before I even onsider cranking out sprogs, something had to be done.  So off to Wikipedia and WebMD I went, and after many hours of weighing up the cancer risks of various different contraceptives, I decided on the contraceptive implant.  Before you ask, it hurt like a bitch, but I was working on the assumption that compared to childbirth it would be the lesser of two evils.

In much the same way, I was aware that weight gain was a side effect of the implant, but thought I’d rather be alittle bit fat indefinitely than be really fat for 9  months and then give birth to the extra weight.  On reflection, however, being a little bit fat is fucking awful.  You can look at yourself in the mirror and genuinely think you arae actually quite slim, but then someone takes a photo from the wrong angle and you suddenly look like a whale with a bad case of water retention.  (On the other hand my boobs are now a D – occasionally a DD, depending on where I’m shopping – so it’s swings and roundabouts, I guess.)

Anyway, I would estimate – although I can’t know for sure as I’ve never been a fan of weighing myself – that within 2 months I’d put on 2 stone.  Even though in that time I also went from a B/C cup to  DD, I couldn’t really fool myself that the whole 2st was boob weight.

My weight has not increased or fluctuated at all since this one, hormone-induced increase, which does at least reassure me that my lifestyle is healthy enough to maintain a steady weight rather than putting it on – but I can no longer escape the fact that I need to lose 2st before I can feel smug about my weight-maintaining abilities. 

I recently spent a week trialling the Cambridge Weight Plan, against my better judgement, on the recommendation of a friend.  Put simply, it’s a liquid diet with a daily calorie intake of only 400, designed to induce ketosis and therefore cause rapid, dramatic weight loss.  What I liked before starting was the idea of removing food from the equation completely, giving myself some distance from temptation so that essentially when I came back off the diet I would be so grateful just to be allowed to chew things that I would happily settle for a mountain of salads.  Unfortunately, what actually happened was this:  I became a nervy, tearful, neurotic superbitch and my teeth started to feel like they were going to fall out.  I rapidly came to my senses and took Chris out for a pub lunch.

Another feature of the Cambridge Weight Plan is that you have to drink 2 litres of water a day.  Now I drink a lot of water anyway, but 2 litres a day will turn you into a never-ending river of pee, and frankly I was getting bored of making the arduous journey to the toilets every twenty minutes.  When you wake up in the night to pee, having been woken up by dreams about peeing, YOU ARE PEEING TOO MUCH, end of story. 

The thing is, deep down I knew the CWP was an awful idea.  It’s social suicide, it’s boring, the soups taste like gritty sewage, and medically speaking it is questionable at best and downright retarded at worst.  So why did I do it?  Because despite all my sensible blabbering, I too long for instant gratification.  Lose 1st in two weeks?  Yes please!  Alas, it is not that simple, and my natural, boring sensibleness kicked in and ruined all my unrealistic high hopes.  Still, I’m kind of glad I have confirmed to myself once and for all that weight loss needs to be earned, not bought.

So now my foray into dangerously-retarded-land is over, I need to really get down to business and lose some weight.  Do I have a plan?  Yes, and it largely consists of scouring every recipe book Weight Watchers have ever published for stuff I’ll actually eat voluntarily, and stocking my workstation with dried fruit, nuts, and green tea bags.  It’s not the most sophisticated plan, but it’s a start.

Size 10, here I come!