Posts Tagged ‘sex’

The Dating Game

September 11, 2010

I am hideously under-qualified to write an article with this title, having only been on one real date in my entire life.  It was dinner at an Italian restaurant with a lovely young man whose heart, I am ashamed to admit, I later summarily destroyed like the unfeeling harpy I obviously was at the tender, self-obsessed (and vaguely slutty) age of 19. 

Without wishing to brag, I am (was, anyway) a great date.  I don’t have expensive taste in food, habitually respond to the words “would you like to see the wine list” with “no, just bring me a large glass of your cheapest rosé”, and I won’t be mortally offended if I’m not instantly presented with a bunch of flowers or a Fabergé egg.  I am in fact rather strongly put off by the whiff of romance – which is why I have only ever been on one date.  Previous to this date, all my relationships had generally been of the ‘friends-who-eventually-got-together’ type so I hadn’t actually been required to put on my Sunday best and pretend to be a sophisticated lady – and ultimately if I had done this, nobody would have been fooled anyway.

People don’t seem to go on dates any more, and I think I know why: because dates are creepy.  Even now I’m engaged I don’t like the idea of constant romance; I like small, occasional romantic gestures, like an unexpected dinner at the local steakhouse, or a back rub, or a box of chocolates.  When discussing our wedding, we actively reject ideas we consider ‘too romantic’ because it’s just not who we are.  (To give you some background: we met at a karaoke night.  He sang ‘Gay Bar’.  We pretty much just slept at each others’ houses until we accidentally moved in together, then we deliberately moved somewhere else and he asked me to marry him.  The whole process took a year, during which he bought me two bunches of flowers, and a box of Maltesers when I was sick.  When he proposed I said ‘yes’, so clearly this is more than enough romance for me.)

Considering so much of popular culture is based almost entirely around the concept of dating (by ‘popular culture’ I suppose what I really mean is ‘reruns of Friends’, but still), I actually don’t remember the last time anyone I know went on a real date.  It doesn’t seem to be how things work any more.

In an effort to do some actual research for this article, I asked my lovely friend Amelia the following questions:

  1. Have you ever been on a date?
  2. If not, why not?
  3. If yes, what did you think of the whole experience?

In retrospect Amelia was the wrong person to ask, because she has been with her charming boyfriend Scott since they were 15, and as we all know the proper procedure for obtaining a partner at that age is a note saying “will you be my girlfriend tick Yes or No”.   She has never been on a date because he has never asked and so now thanks to my journalistic integrity, I have had to stem the tears by agreeing to take her on a ‘lady date’ on Thursday.  Needless to say I won’t be consulting anyone else.

This might just be the way my friends do things, but it seems that the accepted protocol now is to fancy someone within a big group, eventually kiss them, and from then on you are an item.  I actually quite like this method: it eradicates the “when should we meet each others’ friends” problem, gives the people who know you best ample opportunity to point out potentially massive character flaws before you get in too deep, and saves you being stuck in the awkward No Man’s Land of having nothing to say to each other on a date – which, having said that, never happened on my one and only date. I was the MASTER of entertaining conversation and feminine charm.  This was actually part of the problem: I was far too good at the whole thing.  It gave him the wrong idea and the aforementioned Amelia, who was my housemate at the time, gave me a good scolding for letting him kiss me as I tried to show him out when he dropped me off later, when all I was actually trying to do was give the evening some closure so he would leave and I could put my pyjamas on and play Xbox in bed for a bit.

As dating has never been part of my life it’s not something I can miss now that I’m engaged, and to be fair I go on more ‘dates’ with Chris than I would ever have wanted to go on with random single guys back the depths of my single days.  I’m actually quite glad I didn’t waste swathes of my time and money sitting in restaurants looking at hopeful, freshly-shaven faces over my pasta, thinking “I should really stop being so charming because I’m not wearing matching underwear and I don’t want to have to explain why I’m not going to put out”.

In conclusion: it might have worked for the cast of Friends, but I’m glad I never had to do it.  And if you think about it, the only couple in Friends who ended up ‘happily ever after’ were Monica and Chandler, who basically accidentally had sex and it escalated from there.  Ultimately, I think that’s the modern way.

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Things I Hate About Women’s Magazines

January 22, 2010

I’m going to jump right in with some Cosmo headlines, and some suggestions I have for their improvement. Before any of you get all incredulous and start asking if I’m serious, YES, all of these are ACTUAL headlines from the Cosmo website.

“How to Handle Office Romance”
… don’t fucking bother. You’ll probably eventually get bored, then you’ll probably eventually get fired. It could potentially work out, I guess, but is it really worth taking the chance?

“One Night Stand Etiquette”
… you met someone at a bar. You followed them back to their house. You fucked them. You think there’s any ‘etiquette’ involved here? Just try not to steal any family heirlooms on the way out.

“How To Spot A Love Rat”
… have some common sense. Sounds simple, but most women don’t have this. Who hasn’t sat there, bored out of their arse, listening to a friend trying to justify some total prick’s behaviour? He’s a love rat: you know it, they know it, but at the end of the day they want to keep boning him so they need to either get out, or put up and shut up.

“What He Says vs. What He Means”
… he’s a man, and men generally do actually say what they mean. It’s just us women who lie and manipulate and play word games. Listen to what he’s saying and guess what? That’s what he’s saying.

“15 Ways To Get Him Going”
… 1: take off your bra. 2: take off your bra. 3: take off your bra. 4: I think you see where I’m going with this. Men like tits. It’s not rocket science.

“Find out how to lose twice as much weight as with dieting alone!”
… um, exercise too? I’m sick of all this shit all over the internet about how to lose weight. I’m going to level with you people: BACK AWAY FROM THE CAKE, AND GO TO THE GYM. It is that easy. Eat better, exercise more. You can spend as much money as you like on pills and potions and plans but the only thing that loses weight will be your wallet.

“He Doesn’t Want to Use a Condom”
… oh really? Well he obviously doesn’t want to use your vagina too badly either, then. Anyone faced with a man offering this opinion needs to master the use of the words “jog on”.

“He Keeps Pushing Your Head Down But You’re Not Interested”
… are the readers of Cosmo dating 16 year old boys? Because from what I remember of being a 16 year old girl, this was a particular speciality of theirs.

In the course of my research into shitty magazine articles nobody needs I did, however, discover my new favourite phrase – “whore’s bath” – which apparently is the practice of running off to the bathroom after sex to wash your armpits, crotch, and face, but not in that order. Frankly if you are uncomfortable enough with someone that a teensy bit of sweat and sex juices are enough to send you hurtling into the shower, you probably shouldn’t be shagging them anyway.