Posts Tagged ‘need to stop reading the Daily Mail’

The Daily Mail loves the Sisterhood

October 2, 2011

A few weeks ago the Daily Mail website ran an article titled “Self-critical, can’t take compliments, always focus on your own failings? Why ARE we women so hard on ourselves?”  It also ran the following:

As Katie Holmes shocks navel-gazers… the ins and outs of a beautiful belly button.
This piece starts by suggesting that anyone on Earth gives a single solitary shit about Katie Holmes having an ‘outie’.  It then goes on to describe a procedure you can have to ‘fix’ your protruding belly button called an umbilicoplasty, and presents the findings of a survey on belly button preferences in which “nobody expressed a preference for an outie”.  But hey: love the skin you’re in!  You’re perfect just the way you are!  Except that tiny little thing on your stomach which, you know, kept you alive until you got out of the womb.  That thing is an eyesore and you need to sort it out.

Don’t make a boob on the beach! Bikinis for the fuller figure
This article suggests that “before you even think about hitting the High Street” you get a tan.  Fat and orange, apparently, is fine.  Fat and pale is not allowed.  The bikinis themselves are pretty nice but the model demonstrating bikinis for fatties is no bigger than a size 10.  You will quickly notice, when you read the Daily Mail website regularly, that there are two very distinct types of plus size: the models they use when they’re trying to sell something to ‘plus size’ women are size 10 but with boobs over a D cup, and the women they use in articles about how bad it is to be plus size, who barely have necks.  The Daily Mail thinks Kerry Katona is a fatass after a week on the takeaways, but it thinks Christina Hendricks is the epitomy of female beauty.  I know; I don’t get it either.  (In all fairness, it has to be said, Christina Hendricks looks like the Greek goddess of tits and I love her.)

Fashion mismatch: unwashed hair, gum, tattoos – is this Wimbledon or Glastonbury?
Ladies: nobody gives a shit if you are an incredibly fit, ambitious woman excelling in the male-dominated arena of competitive sport.  GET A BLOW DRY.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed but all that running around whacking a racket at things is rather undignified.  You’ll never attract a husband like that, darling.

Nancy with no obvious means of support: Dell’Olio arrives at summer ball seemingly without a bra
Your underwear is not your decision to make.  You owe it to the public to have those babies hoisted as far up on your ribcage as they can go – even though it would have looked fucking ridiculous in that dress.  Nobody cares that you’re like 50 years old: the Daily Mail are VERY upset that you denied them the opportunity to crow over your wrinkled, leathery cleavage.  Very upset indeed.  How do you even sleep at night?

Little bit Close to the mark, Glenn? Damages actress wears thigh-skimming dress
Glenn Close wore a dress on the red carpet.  ‘Thigh-skimming’ is an accurate term only if you understand that it was skimming the knee-end of her thigh.  But of course, the second your hair goes grey you have to put your legs away.  Nobody wants to see that shit any more, grandma.

‘I can’t get a man!’: Charlize Theron bewails being single.
Because being a beautiful, talented, successful millionaire is pointless unless some dude is putting his wang in you on a regular basis.  I can’t believe you thought your glittering career and offensively massive bank account was enough without a man to validate it!  Go and cry over your Oscar, Charlize.  You are worthless.

Women feel invisible to men once they hit 46 and confidence plummets
This one sort of speaks for itself.  YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED, LADIES.  ENJOY PEOPLE GIVING A SHIT ABOUT YOU WHILE IT LASTS.  Your children hate you and you will die alone.

What I am getting at here is that I really can’t believe the balls it must take to be this openly duplicitous.  On the one hand it’s “Why can’t we all just get along and realise that everyone is fabulous no matter how fat or old they are!  Yay sisterhood!” and on the other it’s “Oh my god will you look at that disgusting slag. She’s put on a good five pounds since she won that Oscar and started dating that gorgeous millionaire.  Bitch.”  The Daily Mail particularly has it in for Jennifer Aniston who, it seems, is still crying into her pillow over Brad Pitt, burns effigies of Angelina Jolie, and is generally a joyless figure of public humiliation and widespread pity.  Or could it be that women are jealous of her beautiful hair, amazing figure, vast wealth, astounding property portfolio, and frequent flings with attractive men who she doesn’t have to depend on for anything?  Hmm.

While obviously it’s too much to expect the media to be without bias, the Daily Mail has something of an obsession with certain celebrities – mainly Lindsay Lohan, who has done nothing of note apart from act like a spoiled little bitch and get increasingly skanky-looking for like the last five years, and the Kardashians, a family of women with gigantic backsides who seem to be famous mainly for shopping a lot and being engaged to American athletes.  It’s not the bias I mind though; it’s the double standard.

Mischa Barton puts on a couple of pounds (or just wears a particularly unflattering pair of slacks; whatever) and she is ‘out of control’.  The blonde one from Steps packs on yet another three stone and is ‘curvy’.  Lady Gaga has a ‘worryingly thin frame’ but Lara Stone is ‘full-figured’.  It’s fair to say that it’s all getting a little bit fucking ridiculous.  How do we decide which famous women are allowed to put on weight and which aren’t?  It seems to be completely arbitrary.

What bothers me is that this sort of thinking – “It’s ok for YOU to be a size 16 but holy fuck doesn’t Kerry Katona look fat in that size 10 bikini” – is everywhere.  And no matter what anyone says, it is damaging.

The Daily Mail itself has the gall to run a story along the lines of ‘how dare the Topshop website use pictures of a skinny model thereby causing an epidemic of anorexia on the same day as it runs a story about how chunky Kim Kardashian’s taller sister has been looking recently, and this really doesn’t help anyone.  It can’t decide whether it’s more concerned about anorexia or the ‘obesity epidemic’ but at the same time, anyone who dares to be average-sized and in the public eye is slated for some aspect of their appearance.

If I ever get famous I’m going to get some tshirts printed up that say “Hey, Daily Mail!  Look how fat my ass is today!” and make sure I get papped entering and leaving a gym, visiting a lipo clinic, and spending 10 hours in a Krispy Kreme all on the same day.  Because I wouldn’t want those poor journalists to have to do any actual WORK, or anything.


Whatever happened to racism?

March 17, 2011

Ok, so before I get arrested for writing this, I want to make something clear: I AM NOT A RACIST.  I do not base my opinion of people on the colour of their skin – unless of course the colour in question is that bright, dirty fake-tan orange in which case, consider yourself judged, you skank.  (I’m joking.  Maybe.)

‘Racism’ is a word that’s thrown about very carelessly nowadays.  Racism used to be pretty clearly defined – slavery, Nazism, apartheid.  Racism used to be about treating people badly because of the colour of their skin.  It also used to be widespread, culturally acceptable and legally enforceable.  Racism is not the same any more.

In the country newspapers such as the Daily Mail like to refer to as Broken Britain, racism now has a much more fluid definition.  Anyone, of any race or creed, now has every right to live where they choose, to have high-flying careers or a jet-setting lifestyle, to send their children to the best schools – and rightly so.  Nobody’s opportunities in life should be limited by their race.  But something is still wrong with the way race is dealt with in our society.  For example, the BBC is allowed to openly advertise a ‘black music’ radio station.  Would a ‘white music’ radio station be allowed?  Absolutely not.  You’re allowed to be race-exclusive, as long as you’re a minority.  White people can’t complain because we are still weighed down with our white guilt about slavery, apparently.  But how is this any better than the other way around?
If you’ve been paying any attention to the news at all this week, you will know two things. 1: Some shit has been going down in Japan, and 2: Midsomer Murders is being criticised because it doesn’t have any non-white characters.  In case anyone else has been wondering why nobody has given a toss about this until this week, when the thing has been running for fourteen years, it’s because apparently you’re allowed to HAVE an all-white cast, you’re just not allowed to publicly state that it was deliberate.  The producer in question, Brian True-May, has been suspended and could realistically lose his job over this totally pointless shitstorm.  Let’s remember, shall we, this is a work of FICTION – a work of imagination.  And if he has imagined a little village full of white people, then what is the problem with that?!  There’s no racism here.  The village is not populated by white people because they’re all card-carrying Klan members who burn any marginally brown-looking people who start sniffing round the local estate agents.  There just happen to not be any black people in the village.  I’ve lived in plenty of neighbourhoods with no black or Asian people!  The fact that ethnic minorities don’t live near me doesn’t make  me a racist.  Realistically, people of similar cultures and backgrounds tend to live in the same communities.  Society is happy to segregate itself.  I can tell you which areas of my town has the most Asians, the most Indians, the most black people – and they’re not there because Nazis have herded them in and allocated them each a bedsit.  People just gravitate towards the other people who are most similar to them.  If we start criticising programs for not having any black people in them, what next?  Once there’s a black character, is it racist to not include a Chinese character?  Once there’s a Chinese character, will the Muslims be offended?  Do they need to build a mosque in Causton?  Should the local school start speaking Polish?  DO WE REALLY THINK THE COLOUR OF THE VILLAGERS’ FACES IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A VILLAGE WHERE OVER 200 MURDERS HAVE HAPPENED IN THE LAST FOURTEEN YEARS?  I’m just saying, you know, I wouldn’t choose not to live in a place because all the neighbours were white… but I might choose not to live in a small village with an average of like 14 murders a year.

We are supposed to celebrate the fact that Britain has become a multicultural society, and that’s all well and good – but it’s pretty obvious that it’s come at a price.  I don’t feel like I should have to say this, but I’m going to: we are predominantly, historically, a white, Christian country.  While I am about as white as it is possible to be, I’m not a Christian, so please don’t think I’ve got some kind of agenda here.  But surely there’s something quite wrong about the reports you hear about councils not being allowed to put up Christmas trees because non-Christian residents might be offended, and the way Christmas is now called ‘The Festive Season’ instead of ‘Christmas’?  Look, I’m sorry, you have every right to follow whichever religion you damn well please.  But if you are offended by the sight of a pine tree with some electric lights on it, GET A FUCKING LIFE.  To be honest, I imagine the number of people who are this sensitive is actually incredibly small.  The problem is, we are now overly cautious about race, and will fall over our own arses trying to ensure that NOBODY, ANYWHERE, EVER is offended by the white, Christian culture they have chosen to live in and be a part of. 

Race is sacred ground, now.  You can make a racist joke, as long as the race in question is your own.  You can use whichever racial slur you like, as long as you belong to the race in question.  And, well, anyone can say anything they like about white people.  Who cares, right?  Is it even possible to be racist about white people?  There’s plenty of us.  We’re big enough and ugly enough to deal with it, right? 

The simple fact is that race is an issue because we make it an issue.  We’re making it an issue when we discriminate negatively based on race, but we’re also making it an issue when we discriminate positively based on race.  Race will only cease to be an issue when it doesn’t matter to the extent that we can STOP GOING ON ABOUT IT.

Anyway, before we start accusing Midsomer Murders of being racist, let’s remember: all the murderers were white, and so were the victims.  What says ‘racial equality’ better than that?